shower me with your love
I had her in the studio, little punk rock, goth chick. She had the sunglasses on, dark hair with the bangs, tats and all that. Stood about 4 somethin’.
I said, “Look at you, you adorable little young thing, get in my pocket.”
She laughed.
I’m flirting.
We’re on the air talking about all the nasty things she’s done. She’s talking bout fucking and sucking and all that run of the mill shit.
“That’s sexy. What else?”
She starts talking about pissing. Pissing in cups, pissing on dudes, dudes pissing on her.
I’m like, “That’s hot.”
She’s like, “Yeah it is.”
I say, “You wanna piss on me?”
She’s like, “Sure, I’ll piss on you.”
We go to music.
Well alright, I’m bout to get peed on.
How we gonna do this?
Where she gonna do it?
On my chest?
I’m not laying down in there, I don’t think the carpet’s ever been cleaned, it’s fucking disgusting.
In my mouth?
Nah, I might accidentally swallow it, that’s gross.
I’ll do it on my leg, I’ll just sit in the chair, hike up my jeans and she can piss on my leg.
The things I do for the show, I tell myself, for the show.
I’m outside giddy, looking for a garbage bag to catch the piss. This gonna be a good bit.
“Tully, where the trash bags at?”
He tells me where to go, gives me a look. I’m alone in there with a porn chick and I’m asking for trash bags. He doesn’t wanna know. I don’t tell him. I’m a disgrace to radio, if Casey Kasem could see now, me he’d cry.
We’re back in the studio, the song’s done. I’m in the chair, pants rolled up, garbage bag down. She straddles my leg, pulls her skirt up and pushes her panties to the side.
I’m looking at her like I wanna fuck the shit out of her. She’s looking back like she wants to fuck the shit outta me.
My dick’s hard as hell.
I guess I’m the kind of guy that likes to get pissed on. Like a toilet. I’m grimy. Who knew?
I’m like, “This is so nasty, my shit’s hard as hell. God damn I wanna fuck. You turned on too?”
She says, “Yeah, I’m turned on.”
I put the mike to her pussy, “Go head do it.”
She does.
A long, hot, steady stream of piss hits my leg, runs down my ankle, down my foot, to my toes and onto the bag. It’s making a pool. I’m watching her.
I’m thinking, ‘Wow, pee is pretty damn warm. I don’t remember it being this warm.”
We’re laughing like school kids.
“I shoulda gave you a 40.”
And just like that, it was over. I’ll shower later.
I wipe up with paper towel, and take phone calls.
They’re saying I’m a bitch for letting a bitch piss on my leg.
Fine. I’ll be that. Call me what you want, but you’re calling.
Show’s over. We’re talking, me and the mini-porn chick. I tell her she crushed it, she did.
I’m like, “Sometime soon, we should do ecstasy and fuck. You wanna do ecstasy and fuck?”
She’s like, “Yeah.”
We hook it up a few weeks later. We do it at my house cuz, she lives 3 deep in a one bedroom apartment. Which is bullshit. If you’re fucking on camera, you should at least be able to afford your own spot. I guess pussy’s cheap these days.
I feed her some E and take some myself. We’re making out in the bed. My heart’s racing, I get flush, the E’s kicking in.
She wants to fuck. We can fuck. Let’s fuck.
I’m smashing all sensual and slow style, ecstasy style. Like I’m doing something, making love and shit. Tryin’ to connect and shit
She wants it harder, so I do it harder. She wants it harder than that. So I’m fuckin her harder than that. She wants it harder still.
Jesus Christ these porn chicks and their hard fucking. They come into the studio and we gotta give em vibrators that hit like jackhammers cuz their clits are so blew out.
I’m 3 minutes into fucking this chick and I’m already sweating. I’m sposed to do this for another 3 hours? I’m holding her little baby legs in each hand by the ankles, brickin’ dat ass.
And thinking, ‘This is some bullshit.’
My dick goes soft in 5 minutes. I’ll blame the E.
“Hey babe, it’s the E. The shit made me go soft. I’ma take a Viagra.”
“You sure you OK?”
“Yeah.”
I take a Viagra.
We retire to the living room, she wanna hear Lil Wayne.
We’re laid out on the shag carpet, I’m eating her pussy, rolling our asses off. It’s euphoric. I’m feeling warm all over. There’s no place I’d rather be than in between her legs eating that pussy listening to Wayne. I never realized this but, Lil Wayne is so good!
She cums.
I feel the heat between my legs, the Viagra’s kicking in. I get on top, we fuck for a while on the floor. Take a break. I love drugs. This is so much fun. We’re talking about life and shit like that, vibing.
She gets up, she’s naked, she’s gotta take a piss- in the toilet this time.
I’m watching her run to the john and suddenly something ain’t right.
Something’s eschew.
Something’s off.
Her gait ain’t really a gait. It’s more like a waddle. Her torso’s longer than I remembered, her limbs are shorter than I recalled, and her heads big as hell for her body.
What the fuck.
Could it be?
She’s running like a midget. But she’s too tall to be a midget.
Is she a dwarf? Am I fucking a dwarf?
Hell naw! I’m fucking a dwarf, a tall ass dwarf.
Shit got me fucked up.
Back in the day I used to try and collect bitches like a big game hunter. Get a Mexican, a Korean, a Filipino, whatever. I used to say I wanted to build a Rainbow Coalition. I’d fuck a chick if she wasn’t even that cute just to fill a spot.
One time I was about to fuck this Bengali chick but then I found out she didn’t like Prince and I had to drop her. I can’t fuck wit a chick that don’t like Prince, that’s suspect. Never did get a chance to bang another Bengali. Damn shame, the one that got away.
I always used to say I wanted to get me a midget and smash - put it on my bucket list. But I never tried that hard, that was just talk.
Well I finally got one, a tall ass dwarf and I didn’t know what to do wit it. I always thought I’d be prepared for it, but I got hit out of nowhere wit a surprise dwarf whilst rolling my balls off.
I’m sitting there buck naked on the carpet eyeballs twitching, teeth grinding like a motherfucker and I’m getting all emotional.
I’m thinking, ‘God damn, you’re doing ecstasy with midgets. You’re sposed to be fucking the stranger who peed on you. Not a fucking dwarf. This is fucking crazy man. What are you gonna do? Don’t say nothing to her, you don’t wanna hurt her feelings. It’s not her fault she’s a dwarf. She’s just playing the hand she was dealt.’
Then I start thinking about people doing the best they can with what they got and I damn near well up.
She waddles her ass back in the room, kisses me on the mouth and lays down next to me real dwarf-like.
Your move Judey.
Alright baby it’s go time.
Ain’t shit to do but finish what we fuckin started. I pop another pill and give her one too. And we fuck until my dick don’t work no more, and then I take some more Viagra and fuck her some more. Hard.
It’s four-thirty in the morning when I put her in the cab home.
I never saw her again.
The next day I wake up and my penis looks like it got beat with a hammer. It’s twice it’s usual size and throbbing. It resembles one of them pigs in a blanket h’oderves, with all types of new folds of flesh on it.
I’m like, “Oh shit. I broke my dick….”
At first I’m panicking but then I just except it like a cancer patient. I went through the five stages of grief and everything.
First it was Denial -
‘Oh hell naw!! this ain’t my dick! What the hell is this?!! This a fucking dream.’
Then Anger -
‘What the fuck was I thinking banging midgets on ecstasy!! I let that bitch pee on me too!? I’m a fuckin dumb ass!! I knew god damn well I shouldn’t have taken all that fucking Viagra. If my dick don’t get hard, it don’t get hard fuck it. And why da fuck did I jerk off for another 2 hours after she left? You didn’t bust a nut you dumb motherfucker!’
After that Bargaining -
‘If this shit goes back to normal, I swear to God, I’ll find a good woman and chill this shit out wit these drugs and these chicks, she ain’t even gotta be cute, I’ll lock it down. I’m too old for these pills anyway. I think I’ve changed, I feel it I’ve changed.’
Then Depression -
“Look at you, you’re a monster. It’s hideous. Your beautiful, beautiful penis is ruined. No woman will want you after this. No woman will let you mount her after this, you freak show.”
And Finally Acceptance -
‘Fuck it at least my dick’s bigger.’
So I hit the kitchen, throw some ice on my shit, plop down on the couch and nod off to Antiques Roadshow on my Tivo.
“This old cuckoo clock is worth….BING!..3000 dollars…..”
