i got nothin’ for you
This fucking blog, this fucking blog, this fucking blog.
This fucking blog’s been looming over my head like an unpaid bill. I been avoiding this thing all week, I keep putting it off. I was hoping I could write something a little bit cheerful after my knight kap entry, make people think I’m better than I am, but alas you got this.
You got me.
You got Eeyore, Mr. Blue, Mr. Feel Like Shit For No Reason. Mr. Living in the Past, Mr. Can’t Let Go. Mr. Hopeless.
In a mood. 3rd week in a row. Sweet.
I smoked some DMT the other day. It’s a hallucinogen, it’s sposed to blow your mind. I Hit that shit and my hands started floating. Held it in and I saw antelopes running across my room, my ceiling turned into the alphabet.
Fucked me up good. It rang my bell. It rang my bell and all I could do, was think about Julie. High out of my mind thinking about my ex. I didn’t want her back, I was just sad. Sad for our loss. I guess I’m still hurt.
I’m sitting there like, “Ain’t this some shit, get the fuck out my head woman! Harden the fuck up Jude, enjoy your god damn drugs, that’s why you did ‘em. To enjoy em. You’re fucking up your own high.”
And then I smoked some more, and she didn’t go away so I gave up and just went with it. I was in a bad place when I started and that DMT wasn’t gonna save me.
I smoked that shit looking for enlightenment, looking to lose my mind, looking to leave this earth for a bit. I didn’t do none of that, but I got just what I needed - a sober reminder, that no matter where you go, there you are.
A fuckin cliche. I got a fuckin cliche. I’m a fuckin cliche.
Ha!
You tired of reading this shit? You tired of reading this same shit every few months? You tired of the drugs and the fucking and the feeling like shit? I’m tired of writing it. I’m tired of living it but I don’t know what else to do.
I soldier on.
I been jogging again. I started exercising. I quit drinking whiskey, it was fucking with my moods. Fuck being a cowboy, I just wanna be happy.
The last time we broke up, Julie was telling me what a miserable and sad person I was. She was mad, she had enough of me, she wanted to be hurtful. I ain’t take it that way because there was truth in it.
I am sad and miserable. Sometimes.
Sometimes I’m happy. And sometimes I gotta work a little bit harder at being happy than everybody else.
I’ma ride this one out and I’ll be good. You watch me. I’ll be good.
