the prince of persia
I’m in the V Cafe waiting on a grilled portabella sandwich Ariane’s hooking up. Josh was getting a Mexican Coke. They’re all the rage out here, Mexican Cokes. No corn syrup, just sugar. Corn syrup’s become the Hitler of sweeteners.
People be like, “You’re giving me corn syrup? What are you trying to kill me?”
Relax. I know it’s bad and all, but just lay off the pop. Thanks to the corn syrup propaganda war I gotta hear about it from someone every time I buy a candy bar.
These two girls come in we’re checking each other out, one’s a 10 the other’s a 6 with good style. I don’t see her aging well. NY and LA’s got a lot of those, 6’s with a good hair cut and flattering jeans, 500 hundred dollar shoes and suddenly they’re 9’s. They’re good for fucking but bad for the gene pool, if you’re looking for a possible mate, which I am.
The 10 goes to take a piss, I say hi to the 6. She says hi back. Josh chimes in, he’s got the gift of gab, she’s from New York, blah blah blah. We’re vibing. She knows some Jewish comedian chick Josh is cool with, small world. The 10 comes out they ask what I do, Josh asks what’s the 10’s background.
I say, “I do a radio show.”
She says, “I’m Persian.”
And just like that our attraction is dead, mutually.
Doing a radio show on Sirius out here in LA is like losing in the Olympics.
You’re basically saying, “Hey, I didn’t make it as an actor and you won’t be hearing me on the ‘real’ radio, but if you happen to be one of the 18 million people in this country of 300 million who happens to have Sirius/XM and happen to listen to shitty rap music and happen to be free between 1-5pm, you might’ve heard of me, but you probably haven’t because Sirius doesn’t market to young people!”
If I have to watch one more person muster up false excitement for my job, I don’t know what I’ma do. So as I’m explaining to the Persian 10 that I do a radio show I watch her smile fade and turn into a fake smile, a drawn on one, and the 6 takes two steps back and the Persian’s saying, “Oh I never heard of it, but that’s good, good for you.”
But it’s not an enthusiastic “that’s good!” it’s more consoling. Like when your girlfriend tries out a new recipe for dinner and it tastes like shit, but you try to encourage her because she needs to cook more anyway. It was one of those “that’s good’s”.
I ask her what she does. She won’t tell me. Whatever it is I’m sure it’s subsidized by her parent’s money.
It’s whatever, I didn’t wanna fuck with them either. I was good on them as soon as I found out they were Jewish. Much like the 6’s, they’re good for fucking but I’m not settling down with them.
Now that I’m serious about getting a girl friend. I’ve made a list of races and religions of which i do not plan on marrying, so I avoid. This is not set in stone it may change, no one can predict who you fall for, but as of now the list goes goes…. Jews, Persian Jews, Blacks, Asians, Muslims ect.
This is partly practical and partly on principal. After having a baby with a black girl and watching them straighten her perfectly fine mixed hair, feed her a diet high in fat and sugar, and put an extra S in her name so that it reads Assia and not Asia, I’ve decided there are too many cultural differences between me and African Americans to sustain a long lasting relationship and I’ve sworn off black chicks.
The Jewish chicks, for the most part, their families want them to marry Jewish dudes, keep the culture alive with their secret hand shakes and shit. Though I am circumsized I’m not Jewish and not what they’re looking for.
That or you’ll get the uber liberal Jews. And they want their daughters to marry a non-threatening black dude, like one of the guys from TV on the Radio. And have a wedding with a whole bunch of upper middle class, stylishly dressed minorities who work in the arts and instead of making toasts at the reception, they read poems for the bride and have a live bongo player accompany the Dj. And maybe just maybe the black guy’ll quote Bob Dylan at the alter and her father can ejaculate in his pants over it.
I’m neither.
And to be perfectly frank, I don’t buy into that whole chosen people bullshit. The same way I don’t buy into royalty. So I pass on them too.
As for the Muslims, Sonya was Muslim, we were together for 5 years. And though I loved her mother’s cooking, her hummus and mujadara are unparalleled, I hated that she hated me. I couldn’t stand coming over to her mother’s house and having to sit out on the porch by myself for 10 minutes while she put on her fucking head scarf.
How long does it take to wrap a head? How big is your head? You think she woulda had that tackled before I got there, seems how she knew I was coming and all.
I’d sit there on that porch seething, watching the cars go by, then enter the house when I was allowed to, and pretend like I was welcome.
I remember on my first visit, I brought ice cream that had gelatin in it. I might as well had shown up with a bag of dead babies. They were pissed and offended. Apparently Muslims don’t eat Jello, I thought they just didn’t like bacon. Unbeknownst to me gelatin has pig in it. I thought it was just horse hoofs.
You think Sone woulda gave me the heads up on that one.
Like, “Hey Jude, little known fact, but gelatin is made of pig skin and horse bone and we don’t fuck wit that. Try not to bring it to the house.”
I wouldn’t have.
Worse shit was, I spent 20 minutes in that freezer isle trying to find the perfect ice cream for the occasion and showed up with that. Like a dick.
There’s this scene in the movie The Joy Luck Club, where the Asian girl brings her white boyfriend to Asian dinner. He goes on to make every cultural faux pas in the world. It’s meant to illustrate what a bumbling culture-less idiot the white dude is. But I took it like this, how is this bitch gonna let him roll up into dinner unprepared? He’s not a fucking anthropologist give ‘em a break. Let him know what not to do.
Whatever. The bottom line is, I’m not religious and the idea of me settling down with somebody who’s identity is based on their religion seems fool hardy. Thus no Jews,Muslims or Born Again Christians for that matter.
The Asians are cool but I just don’t want my son to have a little dick, so I been avoiding them as well. I’ve rethought this little dick thing as of late, and there’s enough big dicks in my family line that my son may luck up and get one even if he was half Asian. And if he doesn’t get a bat between his legs, there’r worse things to have than a little dick, like a clubfoot.
This shit’s all practical to me. It’s not racist it’s racial and if I were anything but white, race wouldn’t even be discussed. It’s like every culture in the world is allowed to be picky with whom they fuck but if a white dude expresses the fact that he wants his kid to marry another white person, he’s a fucking Klansman.
Hindus do it, Blacks do it, Jews do it. It’s cool. Whites do it? They’re the devil. The worse thing is. It’s the other white people that pile on. And the ones who pile on are usually the secretly racist ones themselves.
I was at a party the other night, me and Ross are in the kitchen talking bout how we met. We were 13 and got chased outta Lake Orion by some crazy rednecks. We took it in stride, cuz if they got dropped off in Pontiac, they’d of got chased out too. We’re laughing about.
That’s the way it goes.
This left wing, dipshit, ex-meth-head from South Carolina, he starts soap boxing.
Talking bout, “Oh that’s real ignorant. I hate white people. They’re so racist.”
I say, “I say come on man, no you don’t, you don’t mean that.”
He says, “Yes I do. I hate white people.”
I look at him, at his white girlfriend, I look at the Mexican chick next to her, I look at Ross, he’s black. Is he saying that for them? Does he mean it? What’s he trying to prove? I don’t care, I’m instantly annoyed. This is the third party I been to in a row, that I gotta hear some white person shit on white people.
I’m like “Dog, you are white. And I fuckin hate self hating white people.”
Ross sees me getting heated he steps in the way, defuses it. Meth-head starts telling Ross about all the black friends he has.
His girlfriend intercepts me, “You don’t understand what he’s saying. He just hates the racist whites.”
I’m like, “I do understand. The motherfucker feels bad for being white, he needs to shut the fuck up and live his life, be grateful for the advantages he was born wit and stop crying.”
The Mexican’s nodding her approval.
Few days later me and Ross are jogging, we’re talkin bout it.
He says, “You hear that mothafucka say colored people?”
I say, “Who?”
He says, “Brandon, the self hating white dude.”
I’m like, “Helllll naw, I woulda ate him up for that.”
Ross’s like, “Yeah, I let it slide. He’s over there telling me how his mom’s a racist but he has no problem with the coloreds, and colored people this and colored people that.”
“Coloreds huh? He would say some shit like that.”
He’s like, “He would and he did. I wanna fuck his girl though. Tone showed me her Facebook pictures, she’s wearing this goth lingere with tape on her titties.”
I’m like, “Her parents are rocket scientists, you know them smart girls are some freaks.”
He’s all, “Yeah they nerds, so that’s the only way they can rebel is through sex.”
I say, “I say you need to test that motherfuckers resolve. See how much he loves black people when you give his girl some black dick. See what he says about chall then.”
We laugh and talk about fucking her for another lap around the park.
We’re the last of a dying breed me and Ross. Perhaps all this race shit will be irrelevant. Perhaps it’ll be a non issue with “generation next”, where they vote for Obama, wear skinny jeans and the dudes speak like they take it up the ass.
But I’m from outside of Detroit, where racial tension raised me. And I think the way I think and I don’t apologize for it.
The Persian 10’s getting her change and I ask her what she thinks about the Prince of Persia being played by a Jake Gyllenhaal.
Me, I don’t like it. They don’t have many non-white leads in movies, so when they give ‘em away to white people it fucking annoys me.
Especially with what’s going on over there in the middle east. Throw the motherfuckers a bone why dont cha? Get a cat from Iran, get a Turk to play the part, shit get somebody from Afghanistan.
Just be like, “Hey, sorry for blowing yall motherfuckers the fuck up, take this roll in a Disney film as a token of our regret. We even?…. Good”
Anyway I ask her.
She’s like, “I like it. I like Jake Gyllenhaal.”
I’m like, “Ain’t no parts for Persians in movies, you ain’t want it to be played by a Persian?”
She goes, “Just as long as it’s not played by an Arab I’m fine.”
