i’ma make this quick because i’m on vacay…in detroit!!!! woooooo!!! i was in the D yesterday with my sister, driving around the north end and what have you. this is what i saw, crack heads, bums, burnt out boarded up buildings, liquor stores, beauty salons, drunks, vacant lots, fast food restaurants, american made cars, churchs, coney islands, cell phone stores, wheel chairs and fried fish spots. this is what i didn’t see: black people in tight pants. detroit might be a shit-hole but it’s blipster free!! blipsters are black hipsters. you walk around in LA and most these black chicks look like andre 3000 circa bombs over baghdad. i hate em more than white hipsters. does that make me a racist? perhaps. maybe it just makes me a man afraid of change. maybe i feel that the black hipster is further proof of the homogenization of america. whatever i don’t wanna get into it right now, my sisters and cousin are here and they wanna leave.
all i wanna say is thank god we don’t have a bunch of blipsters walking down 7 mile. you could play blipster bingo for hours in detroit and never ever win.
this is what i did last night, drank whiskey and cider and played dominoes with my ma and my sis and they beat the dog shit outta me. it was cold and rainy and i went to bed early. what a life.
well, i haven’t even been to detroit yet, i’ll probably avoid it for while being that it’s a complete shit-hole and seems to get worse by the day, i heard on the radio at the thrift store that they had 10 days before they’re gonna go bankrupt. i say they should throw a dance party fund raiser and save the city, save detroit. good luck with that, i’ll be in the burbs if you need me.
i’m not writing to shit on detroit. no i’m writing to spew cliches about how when you leave home it’s never the same again. i been gone from here for the last 8 years and repped michigan to the fullest, maybe even too much. i tend to be too nostalgic for my own good. i wish i could be heartless like a sureon and just cut things off. but i love this place it’s where i’m from. the bottom line is, i’m not there now. i’m somewhere else, and this ain’t home. cali is. as much as it pains me to say that, it’s true. i come back to visit as a foreigner in a foreign land, yeah some things are familiar, the crisp fall air, the canadian geese, the plush green grass and the trees. i love all that. i love that people out here have manners. i love having space. i love driving home late at night and being the only car on the road. i love my faygo and better made hot chips. i love my family. but my life ain’t here no more.
i was kicking it with my homeboy who i grew up with last night, kicking it in my old neighborhood in the same house he stayed in when we met and it hit me about an hour into the stay, we don’t have shit in common anymore. our interests have changed, our life direction has changed, all we got is history, that’s it. history is cool but what the fuck am i supposed to do with that? come home and reminisce about the same old stories we talked about last time? sit there and watch him smoke blunts and talk about rap music? he can do what he wants to do, i can’t change him but that ain’t me no more. i’m from that, it’s in me, but it ain’t me. i’m a stranger. i wanna tell him, “i love you, but we ain’t got shit to talk about, i ain’t the man who left here all them years ago.” when i come home next time i’ll probably avoid him too, like i do the rest of my old friends and just stay with my family because that’s all that matters.
"thug changes and love changes and best friends become strangers"
i had an audition today, for food network. i don’t know if you know this about me, but i love food network. alton brown, he’s my motherfuckin’ guy. iron chef, that’s my shit. food network is my dream job, one of em. my homegirl was runnin the auditions, i told her, i want in. i want in on food network. so she let me in. can i tell you something? i was scared as hell. i haven’t had an audition in years. i’ve been at this cushy ass job, sitting in my little box by myself, getting comfortable, getting soft.
it wasn’t always like that, on jenny jones, i was never comfortable. i never knew what i was gonna say, i made it up as i went along, i was scared as hell, every show. i’d sit there and deal with nerves and go out there and do it. most the time i was good sometimes i would bomb but i was never comfortable. my mind worked different back then though. i think i’d get served if i tried the same shit now. i’m out of practice.
after jenny was done and i was living out here in LA, i’d go on auditions. i’d take the bus around town and show up with my little bullshit resume and read for shit. i auditioned for 8 mile. stunk up the room. i auditioned for entourage. did a little better. got a call back. i booked a job as a robber once, i just repeated everything the guy who had robbed me said to me. “run your pockets run your pockets! get down on the ground!” shit like that. that was for the sci-fi channel. i auditioned. it was nerve wreckin’ but i got used to it.
today i was in that bitch nervous as fuck dying inside. i wonder if tiger woods has to go through that shit or is he just a g. he probably looks at the hole and the ball and is like, “i’ma murder this putt!!”.
me i got no self confidence, i be in my head like, ‘don’t fuck this up, don’t fuck this up, you know how stupid you’ll look if you blow this in front of your home-girl? do you know your lines? don’t forget your lines asshole.” i was in the hallway hitting breathing exercises. then they called me in and they turned on the camera and i crushed that shit, because that’s what the fuck i do.
1. bill withers - lovely day 2. roy ayers - running 3. bob marley - three little birds 4. david bowie - sound and vision 5. the beach boys - good vibrations 6. gene chandler - duke of earl 7. astrud gilberto - maria quiet 8. dean martin - you’re nobody till somebody loves you 9. the ink spots - do i worry? 10 . the troggs - with a girl like you 11. fleetwood mac - never going back again 12. cat stevens - peace train 13. the blackbyrds - rockcreek park 14. steve winwood - higher love 15. air - talisman 16. i monster - heaven 17. gangstarr - what i’m here for 18. the roots - act too (love of my life) 19. the cure - close to me 20. the gap band yearning for your love 21. frankie beverly and maze - joy and pain
here’s a collection of easy listening hits perfect for cleaning house on a sunday. most the songs on here are up beat and popular. this is hands down the most accessible mix i’ve made for the mix tape club. enjoy :) once again leave you comments about the mix or specific songs below.
the mayweather marquez fight: a perfect arguement for MMA
i watched the fight last night at ben and laura’s, check that, i dropped 25 dollars to watch the fight at ben and laura’s. boy am i a sucker. i don’t know why i do it to myself, why i keep paying for these fights i know are gonna be shitty. curiosity i suppose. that’s been the story of boxing these past years, you pay 50 bucks to watch a fight that’s not competitive. it’s not that there aren’t compelling match ups out there, it’s that they don’t fight each other. this isn’t the 60’s and 70’s and 80’s where great fighters would test themselves against other great fighter. this isn’t leonard versus hearns. so for every good fight on PPV there’s four bad ones. that’s a failing grade if you ask me. but i keep buying these fights, like a dick.
last night i got to watch a naturally bigger, faster, younger champion in mayweather destroy marquez, an older great fighter, hand picked for just the occassion. it’s been years since i seen mayweather take a fight he could actually lose. mayweather keeps ducking fights while taking on smaller men and washed up champs, and he talks shit the whole way through. it’s kind of infuriating, in the way pro wrestling is infuriating. you get to see the bad guy talk a gang of shit and beat on lesser opponents. mayweather has to do this because his fighting style is so fucking boring, it’s like watching paint dry or golf. he’s really quite genius, nobody would give a shit about his fights if he didn’t have a big mouth. i’ll go on record and say his shit talking doesn’t bother me. i just keep buying these bullshit fights in hopes of seeing a good fight, i just dont know enough about boxing to tell ahead of time what’s gonna be good all the time.
last night i looked over at laura halfway through the 5th round, disgusted. i said, “Laura how many times we get a fight and sit here pissed off that we just bought some boring ass bullshit?”
she said, “i know.”
but what are you gonna do? it’s the only game in town and they know it. so they keep putting together these fixed cards and people keep fleeing boxing to watch the mma.
so lemme send a special fuck you out to golden boy promotions and floyd mayweather congrats you got me for 25 bucks you assholes now choke on it and die.
and the mix tape club soldiers on picking up new members along the way! if you’d like to join it and start making your own kick ass mixes click here
THINGS THAT ARE RED!!!!
1. otis redding - hard to handle 2. the runaways - cherry bomb 3. minor threat - seeing red 4. gravediggaz - 2 cups of blood 5. b-52’s - rock lobster 6. incredible bongo band - apache 7. nena - 99 luft balloons 8. basement jaxx - red alert 9. prince - little red corvette 10. howard tate - stop 11. the coasters - run red run 12. common - watermelon 13. francoise hardy - mon amie la rose 14. heart - love alive 15. daniel johnston - tuna ketchup 16. MC5 - ramblin’ rose 17. mission of burma - red 18. outkast - red velvet 19. red hot chili peppers - under the bridge 20.simply red - holding back the years 21. ghostface - strawberry 22. lali puna - faking the books 23. david bowie - life on mars
click here to get the red mix. i did this a few weeks ago but never got around to putting it up. give it a listen and lemme know what you were feeling and what you weren’t.
so i’ve decided, i’m gonna turn this blog into a graphic novel. are you an artist? do you know an artist who’d be good for this? would you like to get down with this project? get at me, we’ll chop it up.
i want to get started next month. thank you for your time ;)
it's the little things in life that bring a smile to my face
i was type type typing away on my ol’ computey yesterday morning when i heard voices from afar. i recognized these voices, they were the voices of my neighbors. i hate my neighbors. they’re fucking assholes. they’re this interracial couple in their 40’s, i think they’re jehovah’s witness or 7th day evangelists or some repressed christian religion or other. the woman’s tall and skinny with dark hair and sharp features. i hate that in a woman, it’s like fucking jeff goldbloom. the guy looks like barack obama but 10 years older and dressed like the 70’s barack. every time i see him he’s washing his piece of shit, poop brown, drop top Chrysler. the back window’s torn out and it takes everything in me not to piss in the back of his car each and every day. they’ve been to my house on two separate occasions, to yell at me and tell me to keep the noise down, they even told on us to our land lord. i don’t do well with snitches and i’m not good at being yelled at in my own house, where i pay rent, so now i hate them, simple as that.
today i got to hear them argue, check that, i got to hear the white lady dog the fuck out of her dude while doing the dishes. this tickled me to death. she was saying shit like, “No Tyrone.” he had some real stereotypical black name like tyrone or leon or some shit like that. she’d be like, “No Tyrone! What are you doing? What are you doing? That’s not how you dry a dish! Just put it back, just put it back, I’ll do it! Jeez!”
i’d hear him mumble some apology and cop a plea. then i’d hear her say, “Jesus Christ Tyrone what is your problem!? Can’t you do anything right? What are you stupid?….” and continue talking to him like he was a gerbil. this made me laugh.
Coming from a somewhat macho background, being dogged by your girl is utterly unacceptable. if she yells at you, you better handle that. if she lays hands on you, you better shake the shit out of her. if you sit there and take it? that makes you less of a man, flat out. hey, i didn’t make the rules, i was just conditioned by them. and the fact that it’s a white chick dogging a black guy, is icing on the cake.
as a black man you can’t let a white girl dog you. there’s too much history going on here, jim crowe, separate but equal, lynchings and what have you, to allow your white girlfriend to just dog you? hahahahaa! not cool. i know it sounds racial. it is. but that’s just the way things are.
my old friend jamaal used to get punked on by his girl melonie, white chick, evil as fuck, conniving bitch. this the type of bitch she is. she was staying at my house and owed me rent money, so instead of paying it, she called the police and came to my crib when no one was there and they escorted her in to get her shit and bailed. i didn’t see her after that. fuck you, catch AIDS bitch. anyway, she used to punk jamaal out something serious. one time she had gave him 60 bucks to go buy a suit for homecoming. he was supposed to run up to JW and get one of those cheap polyester jump offs. he never did. he ended up buying a half ounce of some mexican brick weed and smoking that. she comes to the house to see the suit. he opens up the door with a blunt in his hand, smoking the suit.
she says, “Jamaal where’s your suit?”
he says, “I don’t know.”
she says, “Jamaal where’s my money then?”
he says, “I don’t know.”
she sees the blunt, puts two and two together and proceeds to beat the shit out of him, smacking, scratching, clawing, and punching. he’s screaming and hollering for her to get off him. she’s chasing him around the parking lot, fucking him up the whole way. we’re all outside dying, watching Jamaal take a beating. about 5 minutes pass she finally gets tired of whooping his ass and goes to leave, but she slips and falls getting back in the car and we fall out laughing again. now she’s really pissed that she fell and that we’re laughing, so she gets out the car and proceeds to beat the shit out of him some more.
jamaal might as well have got caught sucking dick for sneakers. he never was the same again. we let him have it whenever we felt like it. he’d start talking shit and somebody’d say, “that’s why you let a white girl beat your ass!” and then he’d shut the fuck up. i stopped fucking with him after that, he was getting beat by his girl and displaying crackhead tendencies, but i heard that she kept beating him. a tear later, he finally got fed up from all the ass whoppings and hits her back. and you know what she did? she being the fucked up cunt of woman that she is, called the police and got him arrested. Melonie ends up getting pregnant by this sick fuck named aaron who used to rape his retarded sister back in the day, while jamaal was locked up. then when jamaal came out she put the baby on his ass and he claimed it, name on the birth certifacate and everything. this further cementing jamaal’s bitchassedness. what’s sad is he used to be my homie and he got exposed by a crazy ass white girl.
when i see my neighbor tyrone or leon or whatever the fuck his mom named him, i’m gonna ask him about his wife. i’m gonna tell him i heard him getting abused by her, then i’m gonna smile and leave it at that. hahaaaa what a chump. handle your girl.
i used to avoid the term “white trash” because i found the term to be racist. you don’t hear motherfuckers calling people “black trash” or “mexican trash”, they’re called ghetto or cholo or chunti. poor white people are trash. they’re garbage because they’re broke. people have no tollerence for poor whites, especially rich white people. they romanticize other poor cultures but look on with disgust at low class whites. they feel that because they’re white they should be doing well in this country. that they’ve had all the breaks, sure being white has it’s benefits, but it doesn’t mean that you’re born rich and educated. benefits are doled out based on income, not race and as most of you know these rich mother fuckers aren’t looking to share, or pay a fair wage. the irony is, it’s the middle class and upper middle class white people claiming white trash, most these motherfuckers i know were born into it, they didn’t have to do shit but pop out of their moms vagina and hop through a few hoops along the way to maintain their upper middle-class status, and daddy helps out with the bills while they’re doing it. wow you earned your spot. congrats.
i’m a little defensive about this because growing up, to the untrained eye, we were viewed as white trash. we had a white trash income, we drove white trash cars, we lived next to white trash, and black trash and mexican trash. two people in our neighborhood went to college, steve roach and jenny roach, they were related. the rest, went to jail, worked in factories, did landscaping, worked in restaurants or got bullshit office jobs. i was lucky because i came from an educated family, my grandparents went to college. they had the blueprint for success. it was just my parents were some fuck ups that couldn’t keep their shit together, so we ended up in subsidised housing. as much as my parents fucked up, they knew that education was the key so they sent us to a good school. at Rochester High School i was the white trash wigger on free lunch, fuck it, i’ll be that, but i got a better education than my friends and i’m better for it. i’m lucky.
so when you look at these motherfuckers here shopping at walmart, dressing crazy, supporting some bullshit system, that’s choking out their own community. laugh but don’t judge them to harshly, just be grateful you weren’t born into their situation or if you were, had the vision and drive to get out of it.
i been on these concord grapes from the korean market real real tough, they remind me of my childhood. i used to pick em in my backyard back in rochester in the fall and at my nonna and nonno’s, at one of their WOP friends house. i personally feel they’re the best on the market with a hearty skin and complex flavor profile. the thing about the concord grape is they make you shit. fruit shit.
so i’m at work and i feel one of these grape shits lurking. i run up in the bitchen, which smells like a craft fair, to go number 2. as of late, the manager of sirius’s studios out here, Will, has taken to burning his funky ass, dollar store, scented candles five at a time in the bathroom because someone complained our office stunk. first the fuck off, lemme just say our office don’t stink, and secondly if it does, so the fuck what, it’s small as hell, the AC hardly works and we got a fucking bathroom/kitchen for fuck sakes, what do you expect? so Will’s all p-noid that we stink and won’t quit burning these fuckin candles, he’s got the whole office smelling like Bed Bath And Beyond, giving people perfume headaches and shit. i’m up in the bathroom/kitchen handling this shit, playing brick-breaker on my phone, droppin deuces, chillin.
i keep hearing this tick, tick, ticking, then i hear ding. i look up to where the ding came from on top of the fridge to see somebody is cooking a pizza. i’m half way through my shit and now i dont know what to do. do i pinch it off and bail or do i finish. i finish, the airs already contaminated, there’s no turning back. i feel bad, but what the fuck am i supposed to do. i’d like to take this time to blame Will for burning all those candles or i woulda been able to smell the pizza cooking in the toaster oven on top of the fridge next to the toilet that i was pooping in. so i finish up, wash up and step out the bathroom feeling a bit sheepish. i did after all just shit all on someone’s lunch. i step out and Mike’s staring at me like someone just stole his bike and asks, “how’s my pizza doin?”
i stay in K-town. not really, i’m korea town adjacent, my neighborhood is nicer. the parking is easier and it doesn’t smell like kim chi and shit. but i be in k-town all the time. i get my produce from the california market on western, i cop bobas on serrano, i mob down olympic on late night bike rides and what i see all over is, koreans fucking up their signs like no other. i see businesses butchering the english language on their signs. it’s crazy, you see that they dumped a couple grand into a sign with broken english. we live in america, you think they’d have one white friend to holler at, maybe help em with the subtleties of the english language. they don’t.
i’ve stayed here many a night if ya catch my drift.. wink wink…. get it? get it?….. i get my dick sucked. i get blow jobs! that’s what i do, then i cry myself to sleep.
the best type of phone-sex is the kind where the other person doesn’t know you’re masturbating while you’re talking. that way you can get off the phone right after you climax. i call it ninja phone sex, cuz you get in and out like a ninja. the second best kind of phone-sex to have involves asians and saxophones.
i just watched this asshole in AdventureLand, he’s about to be in Zombieland, it’s not a sequel it just has a similar name, anyway i couldn’t even enjoy the movie because his character was such a bitch and this Jesse fag was doing his best Michael Cera impression the whole fucking time!!! He’s like the Asher Roth of acting. Hey Jesse, how were you acting before Superbad came out? Give Michael Cera his style back, get back on your Squid and the Whale type shit. if there’s one thing i hate it’s biters, that’s why you’ll see me avoiding, drake, shine and this motherfucker right here like the plague.
shout out to africa, the whole continent, home of female genital mutilation, tribal wars, machete hacking, pet hyenas, virgin rapes, pirates, blood diamonds, AIDS curing penis stews and PUBLIC GOAT FUCKING!!!!! they’re the cradle of civilization they just need a better publicist, focus on the chiors and shit.
when i was little i wanted to be an astronaut, then i wanted to be a dinosaur. i became neither. i work on the radio now. i don’t think my mind works like a rocket scientist or an astronomer but i’m still fascinated by space. when i look at these beautiful pictures it makes my heart hurt, they’re so amazing. the only way i’ll be leaving this earth is through death or hallucinogenics so for now i’ll just look at these pics and yearn.
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i got my face book stats and the results in two words...... sausage fest
You have 2682 friends, 2562 more than average. 71% are male, 29% are female. 657 are single, 1011 are dating or married. If you contracted a deadly variant of flu, you would likely infect 35 people, 4 of whom would die. If you died today, an estimated 1641 people would try to attend your funeral. Based on your Facebook profile, you have a 98% probability of getting married. You are likely to earn US$2.7 million and have 4.7 children over your lifetime.